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| i'm so sad today.
i don't really have any real reason of my own to be sad. sometimes i just am.
and this doesn't mean that it's not important. being sad is still important, even if it is for no real reason at all.
i really miss my dad today. i had a weird feeling that something bad might happen soon and i thought to myself, "i should make the most of the time we have left." that thought in itself was very sad, but what really scared me is that i can't. if i had exactly one more day to be with my dad, i would give him lots of hugs and cook him dinner, and take him to a movie or a museum or something. my dad's love language is quality time. but since i'm here in korea, and he's there in the states... we can't really spend any quality time together. that breaks my heart.
and that is why it's really time to go home. | | |
| tomorrow morning i'm going to kwangju to visit my mom's cousins... the only relatives i have in korea. i'm not excited per se, but i think i've been successful in keeping myself from dreading it.
when i return, one of my second cousins is coming back with me and she's going to stay in my house for a few days while she finds her own place to live.
that means i have to clean my house, but since i've been even busier than normal busyness lately, i have like a massive overhaul to execute before tomorrow morning.
what are the chances i can convince her not to come back with me?
the ironic thing is that chewy, my cat, is fast asleep... and has been, actually, for the past few hours. i'm literally jealous of my cat.
it was actually part of my plan to clean my house over this christmas vacation... i just didn't plan on doing it on a day's notice.
it's a shame that xanga is one of my last-ditch efforts to waste time. i think that the last 3 entries (over the span of, what... 8 months?) have been procrastination methods.
shame, but effective.
so... here's an update on my life.
i'm still in korea. running on year 3 and finally feeling comfortable, although deep down i can't wait to go back to the states.
unfortunately, the american economy sucks right now, so i think it might be a while before i go back...
anyway... just found out a few weeks ago that my aunt cathy passed away. apparently she was murdered, although police say she committed suicide.
it's especially tough, given christmas/new year... i keep thinking i should have gone home for christmas last year. i should have spent more time with her over the summer. next christmas/easter/summer won't be the same without her... ever again! life is changing so quickly lately; i can't keep up.
some current struggles:
should i go home and study to become a teacher? should i go to seminary for counseling?
if i go home, can i really trust God to provide for me, even in the midst of economic crisis?
if i stay here and keep teaching, can i live without worrying that i'll miss the next big family breakdown?
man, chewy is having the sleep of her life right now. jerk.
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| i love when the room is cold and i'm wrapped up in my blankets in my bed.
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| i don't know why i'm feeling so contemplative today.. was it something i ate?
i am DREADING the holidays this year. for some reason, i feel a little detached from everyone here in korea. it's not their fault, or anyone's "fault" really, but this'll be my 3rd year in a row missing thanksgiving and christmas at home. you would think it gets easier and easier, but it doesn't. if i stay another year i might take a vacation at christmas time....
speaking of which, how the heck much longer am i going to be here? i know God is trying to teach me to let go of my own plans, but does it have to feel this uncomfortable forever? i usually pray just for the short term, but it's time to start asking about the bigger picture.
everytime i think about it, i just want to stop thinking about it, so i do. stop thinking about it, that is. it's time to pray for signs and wonders and whispers and stillness. sometimes i still feel so young.
i continually have to remind myself that my path is unique to others', because almost everyone i see has a path that i wish i were on... Lord, shine Your light on my path!! WHERE IS IT????
why am i freaking out right now? time for a chill pill.
peace out.
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| I used to really love xanga back in high school and college (I act like that was so long ago.... ^^), probably because it was the all-ears/no-opinions friend that would never tell me to shut up.
although many times i needed to =)
i hope that this post marks a new era for me and beloved xanga!
there are a lot of amazing things happening here in Korea that i really should be documenting, but for whatever reason, i'm not.
i'm still really enjoying my life at psa~ there are a few annoyances here and there, but when i compare my life now with my life when i was working at cdi, i really can't complain. especially since i have a phenomenal class this year! all of the kids are really dedicated to learning and they're just really bright on top of that, so that makes my job a lot easier. =) i'm still in the process of deciding if i should stay until august or not. tough call.
anyway things at church are going well. i've dedicated myself to being more friendly now instead of just hiding in the production room, and so far God has really been helping me to reach out of my shell! :) i am also one of the four newest teachers for the JYM high schoolers. i'll be teaching the seniors come november and i'm scared out of my wits. but i'll just focus on obedience and let God handle the rest.
the fact that it's already mid/late september absolutely blows my mind!!!! i feel like last thanksgiving was just a few days ago and already 2008 is flying by... although i will admit this is the longest summer i have EVER endured.. why is it the middle of fall and still 85 degrees outside? gross......
let's see... what else is new? i like my new apartment much MUCH better than the last one, even though that place has a soft spot in my heart. but yes... anyway~ theres yer update :)
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